Let's pretend that Hollywood was right and the Apocalypse messed everything up and you are left to fend for yourself. Would you be able to thrive in the aftermath of Armageddon? I have several possible game plans for my survival and I share them with you.
1. Go Hillbilly. In this scenario I learn how to make a Still and produce Moonshine for fun and profit. I also have a great deal of guns and ammo to defend this asset. I figure on trading booze for whatever else I may want or need.
2. Go underground. I become a tunnel dweller to avoid any trace radiation on the surface. The tunnels provide protection from the raging weather up top. Of course I'll also need 5 years of supplies in these mythic tunnels and some form of power to grow my underground garden. It seems like a lot of work in preparation so that Still idea is looking better and better.
3. Stockpile Fudge Brownie mix. I believe brownies will become the currency of the future. Nuff said.
4. Throw myself of the mercy of the Amish.
5. Join a Mad Max type hooligan gang and raid the surrounding survival shelters. Oh, what?! Like you wouldn't if you were starving and there was no law but survival of the fittest? Don't judge me...
6. Open a cannibal B-B-Q joint. The other, other white meat. Just kidding, I'd never admit to cooking a human, for all you know it tastes like chicken!
7. Join a cult, for the free snacks.
8. Start a cult, for the free labor.
9. Migrate to the radiation free zone and grow vegetables. Time consuming but eventually sustainable.
10. Thank the heavens that this will probably never ever happen. I love you all.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Spineless Political Pussies and the Bullies that vote for them
A bunch of political pussies, that's what is crawling around in Washington. Sure we voted for them and shook ours fists and demanded change to fix the economy and bring transparency to the financial sector. Then we all freaked out and whined about losing our entitlements of medicare and the threat of higher taxes. *sigh*
Puerto Rico climbed out of the bankruptcy hole by slashing pay to government and firing a lot of government workers, ending entitlements and raising taxes. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and gut it out. Sometimes people have to go jobless and fend for themselves. Sure there were riots in the streets and the govenor was hated, but he pulled them out of the black hole of bankruptcy and rejuvenated the economy.
Nobody likes having free stuff taken from them. Nor do they want to loose benefits that they were counting on. Still it has to be done or you are going to lose it all anyways. I'd rather have a heads up and a game plan.
Puerto Rico climbed out of the bankruptcy hole by slashing pay to government and firing a lot of government workers, ending entitlements and raising taxes. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and gut it out. Sometimes people have to go jobless and fend for themselves. Sure there were riots in the streets and the govenor was hated, but he pulled them out of the black hole of bankruptcy and rejuvenated the economy.
Nobody likes having free stuff taken from them. Nor do they want to loose benefits that they were counting on. Still it has to be done or you are going to lose it all anyways. I'd rather have a heads up and a game plan.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Paranoids guide to the end of the world ( as we know it...)
I call myself a Prepper. I'm not a real hard core Prepper that is waiting and trembling for the end of the world. I'm just a fluffy Prepper; into it for the fun and trendiness of it. What is a Prepper you may ask?
I enjoy preparing myself for any kind of major disaster. You can find a lot of real Preppers on YouTube. I like to watch their videos and learn survival skills and gardening tips. Mostly cool gardening tips. Perhaps, like me you wonder why preparing for the worst case scenario has become so popular again. I say again, because it was also pretty trendy around Y2K. ( that was a no show.) I have composed a list of things that people today are terrified of in order to explain the Prepper mania.
Plausible-
Nuclear Attack- There are still some nukes floating around and also some developing counties that are making em, could happen.
Floods- They are kind of a regional problem but, yeah I'll buy that they could seriously ruin your month.
Earthquakes- Yup, I believe that they are indeed plausible.
Civil Unrest and Mob Rule- Pick any country and I'll show you a mob of people protesting. Think it can't happen? Tea Party and Occupy movements are growing in popularity.
Sorta, Maybe-
Pandemic- I know lots of people that don't wash their hands and like to sneeze openly into a crowd. Toddlers are the worst. Also humanity has the ability to travel anywhere as fast a jet will go. It just takes one sick person to inoculate an airplane of disease carriers.
Mega Tsunami- I'm on the fence about this one. You would have to be in a low lying area relatively near the coast to have this mess up your life. However, a Mega tsunami that wiped out a major agricultural area could cause famine later and we'd all feel the pain then.
Global Ice Age- Maybe, I almost feel that we could work around this, but it would be mighty inconvenient and major populations would have to relocate or perish.
Solar radiation burst- If it could happen ( that's a big if) It would only affect the half of the planet that was facing it. Well, unless it was continuously spewing gamma radiation over a long period of time, then we'd all have to rethink our current reality paradigms.
Off the Charts Crazy and improbable-
Intelligent Robot take over and or nano technology revolution against humanity- I'm not really worried. The nerds and hackers will save us.
Space Alien Invasion- Bring it! I'd like to see them try.
Zombie Apocalypse- I think that the undead zombies get a really bad rap. I went to high school with a few zombies and they were totally mellow. Sure they seemed to skip the first class after lunch period to smoke weed a lot but they never ate anyone's brains that I knew of.
I probably missed a few other really choice reasons to be terrified, asteroids, pole shifts, gremlins and such. At least now you get the gist. I think my next installment will be my secrets to surviving after Armageddon.
I enjoy preparing myself for any kind of major disaster. You can find a lot of real Preppers on YouTube. I like to watch their videos and learn survival skills and gardening tips. Mostly cool gardening tips. Perhaps, like me you wonder why preparing for the worst case scenario has become so popular again. I say again, because it was also pretty trendy around Y2K. ( that was a no show.) I have composed a list of things that people today are terrified of in order to explain the Prepper mania.
Plausible-
Nuclear Attack- There are still some nukes floating around and also some developing counties that are making em, could happen.
Floods- They are kind of a regional problem but, yeah I'll buy that they could seriously ruin your month.
Earthquakes- Yup, I believe that they are indeed plausible.
Civil Unrest and Mob Rule- Pick any country and I'll show you a mob of people protesting. Think it can't happen? Tea Party and Occupy movements are growing in popularity.
Sorta, Maybe-
Pandemic- I know lots of people that don't wash their hands and like to sneeze openly into a crowd. Toddlers are the worst. Also humanity has the ability to travel anywhere as fast a jet will go. It just takes one sick person to inoculate an airplane of disease carriers.
Mega Tsunami- I'm on the fence about this one. You would have to be in a low lying area relatively near the coast to have this mess up your life. However, a Mega tsunami that wiped out a major agricultural area could cause famine later and we'd all feel the pain then.
Global Ice Age- Maybe, I almost feel that we could work around this, but it would be mighty inconvenient and major populations would have to relocate or perish.
Solar radiation burst- If it could happen ( that's a big if) It would only affect the half of the planet that was facing it. Well, unless it was continuously spewing gamma radiation over a long period of time, then we'd all have to rethink our current reality paradigms.
Off the Charts Crazy and improbable-
Intelligent Robot take over and or nano technology revolution against humanity- I'm not really worried. The nerds and hackers will save us.
Space Alien Invasion- Bring it! I'd like to see them try.
Zombie Apocalypse- I think that the undead zombies get a really bad rap. I went to high school with a few zombies and they were totally mellow. Sure they seemed to skip the first class after lunch period to smoke weed a lot but they never ate anyone's brains that I knew of.
I probably missed a few other really choice reasons to be terrified, asteroids, pole shifts, gremlins and such. At least now you get the gist. I think my next installment will be my secrets to surviving after Armageddon.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Finally a break in the Epic Heat!
You know it has been relentlessly hot when 98 degrees is a treat. Remember that brilliant idea I had to create a stay-cation in the back yard by erecting the big blue above ground pool? It really isn't that refreshing to take a dip when the air is 108 and the pool temp is 102 degrees Fahrenheit. It is more like a mild form of endurance testing or cruelty.
I did it though. I had to get in to change the filter anyway. I gingerly dipped my backside in the sweltering , near boiling pool like I was easing into a too hot bath. I did a couple of laps and decided it might be a good idea to get out before I lost consciousness.
Then it finally happened. The historical heat wave broke and the temperature dropped to a delicious mid eighties. Birds were singing, cattle were frolicking and people took walks again around the neighborhood. Each one one waving at the passers by and laughing. Life was wonderful again.
Inspired by the relief in the temperatures, Hubby and I planned a long awaited camping trip in the Pop Up. Yay! I'm doing it totally relaxed this time. No more military lists of meal plans and regimented activities. I'm just throwing everything in the cooler and packing lots of booze. If we run short than we'll go shopping or make due. What? Don't like scrambled eggs for breakfast lunch and dinner, well, have more wine and it will seem almost charming.
I did it though. I had to get in to change the filter anyway. I gingerly dipped my backside in the sweltering , near boiling pool like I was easing into a too hot bath. I did a couple of laps and decided it might be a good idea to get out before I lost consciousness.
Then it finally happened. The historical heat wave broke and the temperature dropped to a delicious mid eighties. Birds were singing, cattle were frolicking and people took walks again around the neighborhood. Each one one waving at the passers by and laughing. Life was wonderful again.
Inspired by the relief in the temperatures, Hubby and I planned a long awaited camping trip in the Pop Up. Yay! I'm doing it totally relaxed this time. No more military lists of meal plans and regimented activities. I'm just throwing everything in the cooler and packing lots of booze. If we run short than we'll go shopping or make due. What? Don't like scrambled eggs for breakfast lunch and dinner, well, have more wine and it will seem almost charming.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Scorched Wake
I have to get up early to beat the heat. By 9:00AM it is pushing 100 degrees, hotter if you are standing in the direct sun. The water rationing isn't really bothering me as I had let my lawn die months ago. I still take the hose and bucket to keep a few islands of plants going. There is also the soaker hose that waters the garden. That garden is the green oasis in an otherwise tan and crunchy brown landscape.
The homeless kitty now sleeps in the center of the garden, trying to stay cool in the shade of the Sunchokes and pumpkin vines. If she catches an occasional bird too then there you go *cue Lion King Circle of Life music.*
They predict 115 degrees today. I thought 107 was challenging. Even the ants are behaving differently. They seem to be everywhere desperately trying to get moisture from water trays under potted plants, the bird bath, swarming the compost heap and then vanishing back under ground in a few hours before critical burn.
I am wondering if it will be like the scene from the Chronicles of Riddick. A rising sun that scorches the landscape with flame and ash with nothing but charred rock and desolation in the dawn of it's scorched wake.
The local news anchor woman pounded the desk and said " Aw. come ON!" To the weather man as he announced the record breaking heat indexes. He cringed and continued on with his dire forecasts of sweltering with a chance of heat exhaustion.The Governor has declared Oklahoma an agriculture disaster from the drought.
Flowers bloom and become potpourri in the baking sunshine. Bees stay in their hives only leaving in short shifts to get water and return to cool the hive with their collective wing beats. Birds walk and pant; too hot to fly. Trees drop leaves as they go dormant for lack of water. The Cedars, ever green, shrink and their branches droop in an effort to conserve what little moisture they can charm from the morning air.
I fill the bird bath twice daily for pity and have a mister hose near the house to give relief to my butterfly friends and birds. I close off parts of the house so the air conditioner doesn't have to work so hard. I drink iced tea like it is the fountain of youth.
The homeless kitty now sleeps in the center of the garden, trying to stay cool in the shade of the Sunchokes and pumpkin vines. If she catches an occasional bird too then there you go *cue Lion King Circle of Life music.*
They predict 115 degrees today. I thought 107 was challenging. Even the ants are behaving differently. They seem to be everywhere desperately trying to get moisture from water trays under potted plants, the bird bath, swarming the compost heap and then vanishing back under ground in a few hours before critical burn.
I am wondering if it will be like the scene from the Chronicles of Riddick. A rising sun that scorches the landscape with flame and ash with nothing but charred rock and desolation in the dawn of it's scorched wake.
The local news anchor woman pounded the desk and said " Aw. come ON!" To the weather man as he announced the record breaking heat indexes. He cringed and continued on with his dire forecasts of sweltering with a chance of heat exhaustion.The Governor has declared Oklahoma an agriculture disaster from the drought.
Flowers bloom and become potpourri in the baking sunshine. Bees stay in their hives only leaving in short shifts to get water and return to cool the hive with their collective wing beats. Birds walk and pant; too hot to fly. Trees drop leaves as they go dormant for lack of water. The Cedars, ever green, shrink and their branches droop in an effort to conserve what little moisture they can charm from the morning air.
I fill the bird bath twice daily for pity and have a mister hose near the house to give relief to my butterfly friends and birds. I close off parts of the house so the air conditioner doesn't have to work so hard. I drink iced tea like it is the fountain of youth.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Summer in a Jar
I made strawberry jam today. It is my husband's favorite and the berries at the market were gorgeous. I feel like a mad scientist when I make jelly and jam. I have special pots and jars, lids, collars, tools and sterile cloths lined up like little soldiers before I begin the process. The kitchen has to be spotless for me to do the whole canning show, not because I'm fastidious, but because I'm so easily distracted I need the visual space to think it all through.
Some people prefer to strain the jelly juice so there is no seeds and just a lovely jewel toned product at the end. I like the pieces of fruit and the seed. The seeds remind me of little stars hanging in a ruby sky. Now the whole house and my hair,even the poodle all smell of strawberries; sweet and summery and mouth wateringly delicious.
One of the most beautiful sounds to my ears is the sharp metallic ping of a jelly jar sealing after being lifted from the canner. That soft plink fills my whole soul with a feeling of well being and contentment. I am overly proud of my jellies and jams. I've tasted better and seen prettier, but because it is done by my hand I love it. There is a comfort and power in being able to capture Summer in a jar.
Some people prefer to strain the jelly juice so there is no seeds and just a lovely jewel toned product at the end. I like the pieces of fruit and the seed. The seeds remind me of little stars hanging in a ruby sky. Now the whole house and my hair,even the poodle all smell of strawberries; sweet and summery and mouth wateringly delicious.
One of the most beautiful sounds to my ears is the sharp metallic ping of a jelly jar sealing after being lifted from the canner. That soft plink fills my whole soul with a feeling of well being and contentment. I am overly proud of my jellies and jams. I've tasted better and seen prettier, but because it is done by my hand I love it. There is a comfort and power in being able to capture Summer in a jar.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Trouble in Redneck Paradise
After unpacking and setting up the above ground pool I wondered how I would enjoy it because the water was freezing. That is no longer a problem. Day upon record breaking day of triple digit heat has kept the pool at a sweltering 100 degrees. No joke! Not the cool refreshing dip I envisioned but a wonderful extra large Jacuzzi.
The regular maintenance of the pool requires me to actually get in it to cover the pump vents in order to change out the filter every 2 weeks. I'll admit I had to stand there to get used to the heat for a few moments. Then I carefully dipped the rest of my body in like a bather trying to get in a too hot bath. I know for a fact it had hit 100 degrees in the pool because I had slipped the old Jacuzzi thermometer in there to monitor it.
Really the best time for a dip is in the early morning. It sucks that I'm not a morning person. The only other mishap with the pool remains a mystery. One morning we noticed that the pool was half empty. Somehow it had been tipped by a freak wind or collapsed by a random punk teen or molested by alien space ships and dumped out half the volume of water.
This was fantastic for the surrounding lawn but has left the pool with a strange lopsided lean in a Southerly direction. No matter I filled it back up as best I could with the wonky inflatable lip. I still swim in a circle despite the heat. In fact I think the hot water helps my sore back in the evenings. Bonus!
Ok, it isn't a waterfall tropical pool in the rain forest or a crisp mountain lake, it's a vinyl pool that feels more like a hot tub tucked in the midst of cedar trees in my back yard. Despite the record heat wave and drought conditions this is my self made paradise. Sure we got a few troubles but we make the best of it and squeeze out all the fun we can with what we got.
The regular maintenance of the pool requires me to actually get in it to cover the pump vents in order to change out the filter every 2 weeks. I'll admit I had to stand there to get used to the heat for a few moments. Then I carefully dipped the rest of my body in like a bather trying to get in a too hot bath. I know for a fact it had hit 100 degrees in the pool because I had slipped the old Jacuzzi thermometer in there to monitor it.
Really the best time for a dip is in the early morning. It sucks that I'm not a morning person. The only other mishap with the pool remains a mystery. One morning we noticed that the pool was half empty. Somehow it had been tipped by a freak wind or collapsed by a random punk teen or molested by alien space ships and dumped out half the volume of water.
This was fantastic for the surrounding lawn but has left the pool with a strange lopsided lean in a Southerly direction. No matter I filled it back up as best I could with the wonky inflatable lip. I still swim in a circle despite the heat. In fact I think the hot water helps my sore back in the evenings. Bonus!
Ok, it isn't a waterfall tropical pool in the rain forest or a crisp mountain lake, it's a vinyl pool that feels more like a hot tub tucked in the midst of cedar trees in my back yard. Despite the record heat wave and drought conditions this is my self made paradise. Sure we got a few troubles but we make the best of it and squeeze out all the fun we can with what we got.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Goodbye Stinkbugs, Hello Cucumber Beetles
The bane of my gardening existence has been the armies of stinkbugs that chew and suck the life out of my lovely garden plants. However, this year they have been a no show. (pause) Instead, I have been visited with a plague of Cucumber Beetles. They are actually very pretty as beetles go. A cheerful bright yellow with polka dots of black or shiny yellow with black racing stripes along their little bodies seems harmless enough. Harmless as an evil clown!
After hitting the Google and learning all I could about these insidious insects I have discovered that they live in the soil all Winter and come back year after year in greater numbers! Horrors! I must now choose some method of defense against them to try and salvage my glorious pumpkin vine and tender tomato plants.
It has been a tough year already for the garden with the record heat. 102 degrees day after day has caused my tomato flowers to refuse to drop pollen. Tomato production is down to a mere 8 tomatoes from 2 otherwise healthy plants. So I shade the tomato plants and mist them in an effort to cool them down, as well as, hand pollinate.
Did I mention that this year the bees have given up on my neighbor hood? Even the bee keeper next door is short on hives to take out to the fields. Then there is the drought, the scorching winds and the punk rabbits that like to eat anything that isn't caged up.
Really, this garden is a labor of love and or torture depending on how bad the odds are stacked against it. Then there are the Cucumber Beetles. The hellish evil clowns of the insect world. Here are my organic choices to keep them at bay.
1. Catch them with my hands and squish them. (gross)
2. Place tangle foot sticky traps around the plants to try and catch them. (difficult with the high winds here )
3. Spray with organic insecticides like Neem, 3in 1, and multi insect spray. (wow, expensive)
4. Dust with special powder. (can cause plant to die)
5. Rip out plants, burn them and scorch the earth, never to plant again. ( I can buy organic produce at the market...)
At this point I have one viable pumpkin growing on the vine. I inspect it and faun over it daily. I will have to plant with broccoli and radish, perhaps nasturtiums next year to remove and repel the Beetles and their yucky bacteria.
Who knows what battles I will have to fight next year. (shudders at the thought)
After hitting the Google and learning all I could about these insidious insects I have discovered that they live in the soil all Winter and come back year after year in greater numbers! Horrors! I must now choose some method of defense against them to try and salvage my glorious pumpkin vine and tender tomato plants.
It has been a tough year already for the garden with the record heat. 102 degrees day after day has caused my tomato flowers to refuse to drop pollen. Tomato production is down to a mere 8 tomatoes from 2 otherwise healthy plants. So I shade the tomato plants and mist them in an effort to cool them down, as well as, hand pollinate.
Did I mention that this year the bees have given up on my neighbor hood? Even the bee keeper next door is short on hives to take out to the fields. Then there is the drought, the scorching winds and the punk rabbits that like to eat anything that isn't caged up.
Really, this garden is a labor of love and or torture depending on how bad the odds are stacked against it. Then there are the Cucumber Beetles. The hellish evil clowns of the insect world. Here are my organic choices to keep them at bay.
1. Catch them with my hands and squish them. (gross)
2. Place tangle foot sticky traps around the plants to try and catch them. (difficult with the high winds here )
3. Spray with organic insecticides like Neem, 3in 1, and multi insect spray. (wow, expensive)
4. Dust with special powder. (can cause plant to die)
5. Rip out plants, burn them and scorch the earth, never to plant again. ( I can buy organic produce at the market...)
At this point I have one viable pumpkin growing on the vine. I inspect it and faun over it daily. I will have to plant with broccoli and radish, perhaps nasturtiums next year to remove and repel the Beetles and their yucky bacteria.
Who knows what battles I will have to fight next year. (shudders at the thought)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Stuff I Like for Summer
Yay! Summer heat, sunshine and more skin after a long bone chilling bleak Winter. Move over Oprah, here are my favorite things for Summer. My Summer must haves and wants for all to enjoy and desire.
Above ground pool. Awesome, easy blow up ring, fill with water and chemicals plug in the pump and you have paradise in your back yard. Already have a pool? Then do get the inflatable floaty with the high back and cup holder. Also awesome.
Open weave straw cowboy hat with chin strap. The open weave lets the air flow through and you get shade from the brim. The chin strap really isn't all that attractive but it keeps it on my head when I mow on windy days.
Parasol. No joke. An honest to god parasol or light colored umbrella for shade. Yeah, people laugh and stare at first then they just envy you while they stand all sweaty and hot in the blazing sun. I'm prone to heat stroke so the relief of a little portable shade is wonderful.
Fancy lace evening shawl. I like to wrap a lace evening shawl around my hips like a sarong when I wear a swim suit. The fringe is sexy and it makes a statement. Something a little extra instead of the same old over sized T-shirt or terrycloth cover up.
Home made ice tea with fresh mint. No explanation necessary.
Above ground pool. Awesome, easy blow up ring, fill with water and chemicals plug in the pump and you have paradise in your back yard. Already have a pool? Then do get the inflatable floaty with the high back and cup holder. Also awesome.
Open weave straw cowboy hat with chin strap. The open weave lets the air flow through and you get shade from the brim. The chin strap really isn't all that attractive but it keeps it on my head when I mow on windy days.
Parasol. No joke. An honest to god parasol or light colored umbrella for shade. Yeah, people laugh and stare at first then they just envy you while they stand all sweaty and hot in the blazing sun. I'm prone to heat stroke so the relief of a little portable shade is wonderful.
Fancy lace evening shawl. I like to wrap a lace evening shawl around my hips like a sarong when I wear a swim suit. The fringe is sexy and it makes a statement. Something a little extra instead of the same old over sized T-shirt or terrycloth cover up.
Home made ice tea with fresh mint. No explanation necessary.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
He has good insurance and I'm still cute
I had one of those mornings where I felt like I should be on high alert. Sure enough the humid swirling winds and the weather alerts were converging to make for a tornado possible day. We live like this here in tornado alley. You just plan your day around where you are going to hide if they form.
We did everything we needed to in the city before the day really heated up. My husband seemed almost disappointed when the weather seemed to just stay ominous and black. I was half hopeful it would be nothing. I was wrong.
While sauteing up some onions , peppers and mushrooms to top the hoagies I made, the sirens shrieked out. I clicked off the stove, grabbed my purse and the dog and scampered down into the storm cellar. That is what rational, clear thinking, sensible people do in tornado alley. Not my husband.
Apparently he is smarter and faster than any tornado. While I hauled myself and poodle underground he dashed outside with the camera. In a moment of testosterone fueled whatthefuckery, he went outside to try and get a photo op with a tornado.
The moments ticked by and the wind outside got more violent, the thunder booms became one continuous churning roll and the volleys of hail more intense against the garage door (our storm shelter is in the garage.) Still no husband. The poodle cowered on my lap and I don't know who was shaking more the dog or myself.
The power went off and with just the small flashlight I waited....no husband. My blood pressure began escalating. My thoughts briefly light on the fact that some tornado deaths are from strokes caused by fear and stress. Then the lights come on again.
"Hey you want some light?" He said cheerfully down the cellar hole. "Is it over?" I asked, hearing my voice break and quaver like a small frightened child. " Yeah, I watched it on TV while I ate my hoagie." He replied.
I sat very close to him on the couch after crawling out of the storm cellar, still shook up and nervous. He thought it would be really fun to take my blood pressure and then his to see who was worse. Mine was elevated but his beats were faster.
It is times like these I'm glad he has good insurance and I'm still cute.
We did everything we needed to in the city before the day really heated up. My husband seemed almost disappointed when the weather seemed to just stay ominous and black. I was half hopeful it would be nothing. I was wrong.
While sauteing up some onions , peppers and mushrooms to top the hoagies I made, the sirens shrieked out. I clicked off the stove, grabbed my purse and the dog and scampered down into the storm cellar. That is what rational, clear thinking, sensible people do in tornado alley. Not my husband.
Apparently he is smarter and faster than any tornado. While I hauled myself and poodle underground he dashed outside with the camera. In a moment of testosterone fueled whatthefuckery, he went outside to try and get a photo op with a tornado.
The moments ticked by and the wind outside got more violent, the thunder booms became one continuous churning roll and the volleys of hail more intense against the garage door (our storm shelter is in the garage.) Still no husband. The poodle cowered on my lap and I don't know who was shaking more the dog or myself.
The power went off and with just the small flashlight I waited....no husband. My blood pressure began escalating. My thoughts briefly light on the fact that some tornado deaths are from strokes caused by fear and stress. Then the lights come on again.
"Hey you want some light?" He said cheerfully down the cellar hole. "Is it over?" I asked, hearing my voice break and quaver like a small frightened child. " Yeah, I watched it on TV while I ate my hoagie." He replied.
I sat very close to him on the couch after crawling out of the storm cellar, still shook up and nervous. He thought it would be really fun to take my blood pressure and then his to see who was worse. Mine was elevated but his beats were faster.
It is times like these I'm glad he has good insurance and I'm still cute.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Magic button
I was doing something really important online (playing online games) when my husband asked me to do him a favor.
Could you sew this button on tighter to these shorts? He asked handing me the shorts.
No. I said. Much to his surprise.
What?! he asked with one eyebrow raised in disapproval and mirth.
You need to buy bigger pants. It isn't a magic button. Sewing it back isn't going to counteract a lifetime of bad choices. I said (while ducking out of reach from the tickling that would be sure to follow for my insolence.)
I wont be baking anymore cookies for you woman! ( The ultimate punishment)
Fine. I said. However, I did sew his button on. (Thus salvaging my cookie privileges.)
Oh thanks hun. He replied and thoughtfully said to the air. Maybe I should eat less cookies too.
Could you sew this button on tighter to these shorts? He asked handing me the shorts.
No. I said. Much to his surprise.
What?! he asked with one eyebrow raised in disapproval and mirth.
You need to buy bigger pants. It isn't a magic button. Sewing it back isn't going to counteract a lifetime of bad choices. I said (while ducking out of reach from the tickling that would be sure to follow for my insolence.)
I wont be baking anymore cookies for you woman! ( The ultimate punishment)
Fine. I said. However, I did sew his button on. (Thus salvaging my cookie privileges.)
Oh thanks hun. He replied and thoughtfully said to the air. Maybe I should eat less cookies too.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Dreaded Mother's Day
Somewhere in the world there really is a Norman Rockwell family with rosy cheeks gathering around a perfectly coiffed Mom, giving her delightful hand made gifts and breakfast in bed. And everywhere else are a bunch of bitter Mothers who never did get the star treatment they were deluded into expecting come Mothers Day.
Hallmark card commercials and constant barrages of ads for expensive jewelry and flowers raise the sense of entitlement even more. Worse still the pathetic hope that most overworked and underloved Moms harbor on the one day they are supposed to have off. One day...One frikin' day is supposed to make up for the neglect and disappointment that real life has dished out to you because you have a fully functioning vagina. What a gyp.
There ought to be a law that Moms get a mother's weekend every week. I think women in general would be happier and less apt to be bummed out about the weak effort that Mothers Day really is. Moms worldwide would be so content and relaxed that wars would end and all tensions in the universe would recede.
Hallmark card commercials and constant barrages of ads for expensive jewelry and flowers raise the sense of entitlement even more. Worse still the pathetic hope that most overworked and underloved Moms harbor on the one day they are supposed to have off. One day...One frikin' day is supposed to make up for the neglect and disappointment that real life has dished out to you because you have a fully functioning vagina. What a gyp.
There ought to be a law that Moms get a mother's weekend every week. I think women in general would be happier and less apt to be bummed out about the weak effort that Mothers Day really is. Moms worldwide would be so content and relaxed that wars would end and all tensions in the universe would recede.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
OCD and me
I'm insane. Just a little. Not Charlie Sheen weapons grade crazy but enough that I notice other people are really...together. I arrange the clothes in the closet by color. Specifically rainbow pattern.White, red, orange yellow, green .blue, violet, grey and black at the end.
It's a great disorder to have when you work in retail. When I worked in a clothing store I arranged the clothing so nicely. Still do it. I have to fight the urge not to arrange when I am shopping at Target. Target, what a nightmare. Crack monkeys would do a better job of straighting the racks. Why people are such slobs in the clothing racks it a mystery to me. Really?! Do they live like that at home? Respect the merchandise. I think it is a chick thing.
I have never been in an automotive store and found it messy, never. Sometimes the mens department in the big stores gets mussed , but nothing like the disaster that you find in the ladies area. What is up with that? Shoes too. Mens shoes are like tidy rows of little soldiers. Womens show isle, like crack whores after the party.
My only defense as to why I do what I do is that at least in some small part of my world I feel like I have control. Everything else may be beyond my ability to manage and guide, but the clothes in my closet are serenely organized.
It's a great disorder to have when you work in retail. When I worked in a clothing store I arranged the clothing so nicely. Still do it. I have to fight the urge not to arrange when I am shopping at Target. Target, what a nightmare. Crack monkeys would do a better job of straighting the racks. Why people are such slobs in the clothing racks it a mystery to me. Really?! Do they live like that at home? Respect the merchandise. I think it is a chick thing.
I have never been in an automotive store and found it messy, never. Sometimes the mens department in the big stores gets mussed , but nothing like the disaster that you find in the ladies area. What is up with that? Shoes too. Mens shoes are like tidy rows of little soldiers. Womens show isle, like crack whores after the party.
My only defense as to why I do what I do is that at least in some small part of my world I feel like I have control. Everything else may be beyond my ability to manage and guide, but the clothes in my closet are serenely organized.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Chaos, and other feelings about remodeling
The sleeping poodle under my bed awoke with a start. First banging his head on the supports and then barking in maniacal abandon at the door bell. The contractors were early. A day early in fact. No matter, When you want to have your bathrooms updated you surrender to anything just to get it finished.
"Good Morning! You just get up? Har,har har!" They stomp past me with their big boots in a cloud of cigarette smoke to attack the next phase of tiling.
I find a cup of tea and try to piece myself together as the day unfolds with banging and grinding of saws and alternate billows of gypsum dust that come swirling down the hall way. I pause to wonder why the poodle adores these men. He fawns on them and grins a big doggy grin at them as they toil.
I walk passed the bent forms of contractors who are grouting away and try to avert my eyes at the twin ass cracks that smile up at me. This is my life and my landscape until the floors are done...
"Good Morning! You just get up? Har,har har!" They stomp past me with their big boots in a cloud of cigarette smoke to attack the next phase of tiling.
I find a cup of tea and try to piece myself together as the day unfolds with banging and grinding of saws and alternate billows of gypsum dust that come swirling down the hall way. I pause to wonder why the poodle adores these men. He fawns on them and grins a big doggy grin at them as they toil.
I walk passed the bent forms of contractors who are grouting away and try to avert my eyes at the twin ass cracks that smile up at me. This is my life and my landscape until the floors are done...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Confusing Love Messages
I adore Sweethearts candies. It is such a wonderful nostalgic feeling to tear open a familiar pink box of heart shaped candies. I really like to read the little love notes printed on them. The candies themselves aren't really yummy. Kind of reminiscent of dried toothpaste and grannies dinner mints really.
This year I tore open a box and found a few new sayings. " Friend Me" I guess it is a sign of the times. Net speak is pretty popular for Sweetheart logos." UR IT" Reading them made me feel kind of old. At least they taste better than I remember. They used to taste like chalk with powdered sugar.
I still like them. They evoke feelings of pure childlike tenderness and the untarnished belief in true love. Sadly, my box of candies reflected real life and like reality there were a few candies that had vague messages. Either the machine had missed the candy heart and printed just half a message or they were blurred out completely." ME" I guess that would be the narcissistic candy message.
I would like to invent a box of candy hearts that were funny. " Whatever" " U will Pay" " Mistake"" WHY"
I will buy them again next year and every Valentines after that because I still like to capture the flavour and sweetness of my childhood. I wish all of you Love.
This year I tore open a box and found a few new sayings. " Friend Me" I guess it is a sign of the times. Net speak is pretty popular for Sweetheart logos." UR IT" Reading them made me feel kind of old. At least they taste better than I remember. They used to taste like chalk with powdered sugar.
I still like them. They evoke feelings of pure childlike tenderness and the untarnished belief in true love. Sadly, my box of candies reflected real life and like reality there were a few candies that had vague messages. Either the machine had missed the candy heart and printed just half a message or they were blurred out completely." ME" I guess that would be the narcissistic candy message.
I would like to invent a box of candy hearts that were funny. " Whatever" " U will Pay" " Mistake"" WHY"
I will buy them again next year and every Valentines after that because I still like to capture the flavour and sweetness of my childhood. I wish all of you Love.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Penis Donor
last night it was reported in the news a man was killed in an auto accident. It was not unusual that he was an organ donor. Many people are nowadays. It was unusual that all he requested donated was his penis. Yes, I laughed a little too, go ahead get it out of your system.
I wondered if that was the only part of himself that he wanted to live on. Was it because it was such a wonderful penis or because he never got a chance to use it? Who really wants a high mileage penis anyway?
I guess if you don't have one and you really, really need one it wouldn't matter if it was high mileage or not. I wondered also how long the wait list was for a slightly used penis.
There are some religions that believe if you have all your parts then you will be reincarnated. However, if you were missing parts then you would be coming back without them.If the ancient Egyptians were right on this deal that fellow would be coming back a eunuch. Think of all the folks that would come back just piles of ashes.
I have it as my final request that my body be donated to medical science. I believe in recycling all the way! I live a pretty clean life and hopefully my skin will be the skin for a burn victim, my eyes will help someone see the world and my bones be the skeleton for someone to be strong with.All of it. All of what once contained my soul is good to be used for any who need it after I'm toast.
I wondered if that was the only part of himself that he wanted to live on. Was it because it was such a wonderful penis or because he never got a chance to use it? Who really wants a high mileage penis anyway?
I guess if you don't have one and you really, really need one it wouldn't matter if it was high mileage or not. I wondered also how long the wait list was for a slightly used penis.
There are some religions that believe if you have all your parts then you will be reincarnated. However, if you were missing parts then you would be coming back without them.If the ancient Egyptians were right on this deal that fellow would be coming back a eunuch. Think of all the folks that would come back just piles of ashes.
I have it as my final request that my body be donated to medical science. I believe in recycling all the way! I live a pretty clean life and hopefully my skin will be the skin for a burn victim, my eyes will help someone see the world and my bones be the skeleton for someone to be strong with.All of it. All of what once contained my soul is good to be used for any who need it after I'm toast.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Remodel Disillusion Phase
Where's my contractor! I should know better. I've seen this show before. I've read the horror stories. In the back of my mind I wonder if he just took the first check and has been E-mailing us from Vegas in a drunken stupor.
OK, I know it isn't that bad but I'm so impatient. It isn't the contractor's fault that we have a snowicain bizzaster. I have learned several new weather terms this last snow storm. Oh, but it isn't just a snow storm. We had a ground blizzard. We had wind chill factors that started with the adjective ugly. " An ugly -14, an ugly drifting snow, an ugly snowicain." My favorite is Snizzle. ( Snow/sleet/drizzle.) Good Lord.
Before I really freak out I need to embrace reality and know that the side streets are still impassable. Still, I wants my remodel. I wants it now.( *Gollem voice*) I may have to wait even longer now that another snowicain is queuing up to descend on Oklahoma.
I realize this is going to take time. I just want something concrete for the money we already ponied up. Ya know?
OK, I know it isn't that bad but I'm so impatient. It isn't the contractor's fault that we have a snowicain bizzaster. I have learned several new weather terms this last snow storm. Oh, but it isn't just a snow storm. We had a ground blizzard. We had wind chill factors that started with the adjective ugly. " An ugly -14, an ugly drifting snow, an ugly snowicain." My favorite is Snizzle. ( Snow/sleet/drizzle.) Good Lord.
Before I really freak out I need to embrace reality and know that the side streets are still impassable. Still, I wants my remodel. I wants it now.( *Gollem voice*) I may have to wait even longer now that another snowicain is queuing up to descend on Oklahoma.
I realize this is going to take time. I just want something concrete for the money we already ponied up. Ya know?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Guess Again
I'm peri- menopausal and I still get my periods complete with acne. I have cramps and hot flashes. My hair is turning salt and pepper and I still go straight to the electronic games section of the store to see if any cool new games have come out. I have been and always will be a teenage boy trapped in an aging housewife's body.
Right when I think I have figured it all out, life says, " guess again!" So now what. My kid has been living on his own for a while now. I'm still a little boy inside. This Summer I built a wood ladder bridge to take my new bike over. ( I sent myself into the trees.) I did it because the teenage boy in my head thought it was going to be awesome. ( I tore a hole in the butt of my bike pants.)
I should be a classy MILF that does community service and volunteers at the local church. I'm not. My New Years resolution is to go skinny dipping as often as I can get away with it. I should do older Mom stuff like quilt or write a helpful blog. ( Almost.) Mostly I fantasize about taking lazy road trips with my Hubby, eating junk food and reading trashy novels in between theme parks.( I'm sure my folks are proud.)
I think I do what will be fun. Sometimes it is thrilling and wonderful and sometimes you rip a hole in the butt of your bike pants. I want to build a tree house in my back yard. My Hubby says," guess again."
Right when I think I have figured it all out, life says, " guess again!" So now what. My kid has been living on his own for a while now. I'm still a little boy inside. This Summer I built a wood ladder bridge to take my new bike over. ( I sent myself into the trees.) I did it because the teenage boy in my head thought it was going to be awesome. ( I tore a hole in the butt of my bike pants.)
I should be a classy MILF that does community service and volunteers at the local church. I'm not. My New Years resolution is to go skinny dipping as often as I can get away with it. I should do older Mom stuff like quilt or write a helpful blog. ( Almost.) Mostly I fantasize about taking lazy road trips with my Hubby, eating junk food and reading trashy novels in between theme parks.( I'm sure my folks are proud.)
I think I do what will be fun. Sometimes it is thrilling and wonderful and sometimes you rip a hole in the butt of your bike pants. I want to build a tree house in my back yard. My Hubby says," guess again."
Friday, January 21, 2011
Confessions of a Travian Addict
Like any addiction it started out as a little fun experimenting. I clicked out of curiosity and then got completely sucked into the free online game lifestyle. Let me be a warning to those who think they can dabble in a little online diversion. Chat forums are just a gateway drug to online gaming!
Now I go to sleep thinking about my strategy for the next morning. I message my online buddies to coordinate attacks and defenses. I message my enemies trying to negotiate tributes instead of full frontal attacks. My husband calls me to say hi and I shriek " I'm being raided by Romans!" He is very sympathetic.
I did my first raid today and killed my troop in the process. I'm beginning to suspect that I may need to join a nerd 12 step. My god, I'm still in my pajamas and it is lunch time. There is no time to do laundry I have to upgrade my iron mines!
Now I go to sleep thinking about my strategy for the next morning. I message my online buddies to coordinate attacks and defenses. I message my enemies trying to negotiate tributes instead of full frontal attacks. My husband calls me to say hi and I shriek " I'm being raided by Romans!" He is very sympathetic.
I did my first raid today and killed my troop in the process. I'm beginning to suspect that I may need to join a nerd 12 step. My god, I'm still in my pajamas and it is lunch time. There is no time to do laundry I have to upgrade my iron mines!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Happiness isn't a Destination
Happiness next exit. Not! Happiness isn't a destination it is the occasional wind that fills your sails. Refusing to be happy is like refusing to tack your boat to catch the wind. Sometimes you line up with it and the ride is exhilarating. Sometimes you just can't seem to trim your sails right and it passes you by or worse, is so powerful that it overwhelms you.
He who as never been overwhelmed by happiness has not been reclining in the grass when a litter of golden retriever puppies attempts to lick your ears to pieces. You can be overwhelmed by happiness.I was, at a chocolate buffet once. My knees buckled at the sight.I once made sweet and sour lemon chicken for my son. He was overwhelmed by happiness. It isn't often you see a 17 year old boy squeal and hop up and down.
I guess I spent most of my life trying to hunt down and kill Happiness so I could nail it like a trophy to my wall and have it forever. I kept thinking of happiness as a concrete thing that , once trapped, could be held on to. I'm beginning to realize that happiness is an emotional energy.
Now if I can just figure out how to trim the sails I could enjoy this ride even more...
He who as never been overwhelmed by happiness has not been reclining in the grass when a litter of golden retriever puppies attempts to lick your ears to pieces. You can be overwhelmed by happiness.I was, at a chocolate buffet once. My knees buckled at the sight.I once made sweet and sour lemon chicken for my son. He was overwhelmed by happiness. It isn't often you see a 17 year old boy squeal and hop up and down.
I guess I spent most of my life trying to hunt down and kill Happiness so I could nail it like a trophy to my wall and have it forever. I kept thinking of happiness as a concrete thing that , once trapped, could be held on to. I'm beginning to realize that happiness is an emotional energy.
Now if I can just figure out how to trim the sails I could enjoy this ride even more...
Coconut Water and Spoonme
I'm watching the freezing drizzle fall on the dead brown grass and I want coconut water. I want to drink it from a green coconut that is still warm from the sun. At 12 years old I could whip a machete with surprising accuracy across the sweet spot of the coconut to expose the fountain of youth inside.
Drinking that slightly sweet nutty water made me feel invincible. Nothing I know quenches the thirst better. I think part of the satisfaction of a good swallow of coconut water is how hard you have to work to get it. Coconut trees don't yield their green nuts easily. If you manage to make it up the trunk and actually grab one you have to spin it around a hundred times before it twists off. ( I know I could have taken the machete to hack them off but I wasn't allowed to wield a machete to the state park where all the good coconut trees are.)
The water inside isn't the best part. The spoonme is. Clinging inside the shell of a green coconut is the soft creamy, flesh that tastes like coconut custard. You scrape it out with a spoon. It is what I believe angles to dine on in heaven. It is a sweet and yummy as a baby kiss. In fact, it is often the first food a Hawaiian mother feeds her infant, it is so nutritious.
I want that right now. I want to taste my childhood in the Hawaiian islands. I want run bare footed with a green coconut under each arm across the seawall all the way back home.
Drinking that slightly sweet nutty water made me feel invincible. Nothing I know quenches the thirst better. I think part of the satisfaction of a good swallow of coconut water is how hard you have to work to get it. Coconut trees don't yield their green nuts easily. If you manage to make it up the trunk and actually grab one you have to spin it around a hundred times before it twists off. ( I know I could have taken the machete to hack them off but I wasn't allowed to wield a machete to the state park where all the good coconut trees are.)
The water inside isn't the best part. The spoonme is. Clinging inside the shell of a green coconut is the soft creamy, flesh that tastes like coconut custard. You scrape it out with a spoon. It is what I believe angles to dine on in heaven. It is a sweet and yummy as a baby kiss. In fact, it is often the first food a Hawaiian mother feeds her infant, it is so nutritious.
I want that right now. I want to taste my childhood in the Hawaiian islands. I want run bare footed with a green coconut under each arm across the seawall all the way back home.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
10 Reasons the media Hates the Tea Party
Sometimes I take the snide comments about the Tea Party that are made by the American media personally. Not because I'm a member, ( I'm not the activist type. I usually vote hoping I picked the candidate that will do the least amount of damage.) I get upset about Tea Party bashing because my Mom is involved with it.
Insulting and accusing the Tea Party is like insulting my mother. Insulting the Tea Party is like bullying a granny. Why would reporters for national news broadcasts harass and rough up my Mom? Here is my opinion why the Media Hates the Tea Party.
1. The so called Tea Baggers proved the media wrong. They embarrassed the reporters by actually getting their voting agenda together. They supported certain candidates and many of those candidates won. Those who didn't take the Tea Party seriously were humbled by it's power.
2. The Tea Party is too difficult to control and exploit. You can't sell advertising to a loose knit headless organization who's only agenda is to hold government accountable for its spending, pay less taxes and make their own decisions about their health and well being. People like that can't be bought.
3. Tea Party members are ordinary, mild mannered, patient and thoughtful individuals. Individuals like that are too boring for TV. No drama no ratings.
4. The media knows that Tea Party members think all media is in bed with big government. The media likes to pretend that they aren't and it bugs them.
5. Tea Party members refuse to be stereo typed. They are Republican , Independent and Democrats. They have gender and racial diversity as well as the will to accomplish their goals. Trying to nail a stereo type to the Tea Party is like trying to pinch a watermelon seed.
6. The media is easily intimidated by soccer Moms who will email their congressmen until the Interwebs lock up.
7. The media underestimated the popularity of the Tea Party movement and by insulting the Tea Bags have lost credibility with their audience. The media wants to blame the Tea Party for not being the crazy eyed fringe group that the media said they were.
8. Most of the members of the Tea Party are middle aged Moms. Snotty reporters like to rebel against their parents.
9. Upholding the constitution,paying less taxes and simplifying government makes too much sane and rational sense. Where's the drama and outrage in that?
10. The media hates that the Tea Party finds American TV reporting irrelevant. The Tea Party has managed to influence the course of American politics without the help and despite the attacks from the media.
To the media I say, " Don't mess with my Mom!"
3. Tea Party members are ordinary, mild mannered, patient and thoughtful individuals. Individuals like that are too boring for TV. No drama no ratings.
4. The media knows that Tea Party members think all media is in bed with big government. The media likes to pretend that they aren't and it bugs them.
5. Tea Party members refuse to be stereo typed. They are Republican , Independent and Democrats. They have gender and racial diversity as well as the will to accomplish their goals. Trying to nail a stereo type to the Tea Party is like trying to pinch a watermelon seed.
6. The media is easily intimidated by soccer Moms who will email their congressmen until the Interwebs lock up.
7. The media underestimated the popularity of the Tea Party movement and by insulting the Tea Bags have lost credibility with their audience. The media wants to blame the Tea Party for not being the crazy eyed fringe group that the media said they were.
8. Most of the members of the Tea Party are middle aged Moms. Snotty reporters like to rebel against their parents.
9. Upholding the constitution,paying less taxes and simplifying government makes too much sane and rational sense. Where's the drama and outrage in that?
10. The media hates that the Tea Party finds American TV reporting irrelevant. The Tea Party has managed to influence the course of American politics without the help and despite the attacks from the media.
To the media I say, " Don't mess with my Mom!"
Pre Demo the infatuation stage
My husband wove the car through intersections and a sea of cars. Sirens in the distance and oddly lurching cars that plowed into the surging traffic all became a single living river of metal.
" It should be on the right. Look for Capitol Glass." My hubby said in a short tense voice as he jostled around a stalled semi. " I see a sign, I bet that is it!" We managed to find another entrance to the building not blocked by the ailing semi, parked the Camry and ventured into the Glass store showroom.
Shiny stylish mirrors of all shapes hung in their decorative frames. After a short greeting from the sales consultant we crept through the gallery of mirrors. Not unlike a couple shopping for a wedding ring, we went back and forth about size, details, personal taste. Like the deciding factor in a wedding ring, was I, as the female of the couple, happy?
This is the Pre-demolition phase of our remodel.This is the fantasy time where all our dreams and expectations of the new bathrooms is still formulating. We are shopping for bathroom bling. We are holding hands and discussing task lighting as if it is the most fascinating topic on the planet. For us it is. This is our forever lighting, our dream lighting. This lighting will make us better people.
I know we are playing house and being frolicsome. We waited a long time to do these updates. I'm enjoying the savoring of possibilities. I like building things with my husband. It makes us feel like a part of a very exclusive team.
" It should be on the right. Look for Capitol Glass." My hubby said in a short tense voice as he jostled around a stalled semi. " I see a sign, I bet that is it!" We managed to find another entrance to the building not blocked by the ailing semi, parked the Camry and ventured into the Glass store showroom.
Shiny stylish mirrors of all shapes hung in their decorative frames. After a short greeting from the sales consultant we crept through the gallery of mirrors. Not unlike a couple shopping for a wedding ring, we went back and forth about size, details, personal taste. Like the deciding factor in a wedding ring, was I, as the female of the couple, happy?
This is the Pre-demolition phase of our remodel.This is the fantasy time where all our dreams and expectations of the new bathrooms is still formulating. We are shopping for bathroom bling. We are holding hands and discussing task lighting as if it is the most fascinating topic on the planet. For us it is. This is our forever lighting, our dream lighting. This lighting will make us better people.
I know we are playing house and being frolicsome. We waited a long time to do these updates. I'm enjoying the savoring of possibilities. I like building things with my husband. It makes us feel like a part of a very exclusive team.
Monday, January 17, 2011
We are all the same in the waiting room of the Veterinarian
A single older lady shaped like a Buddha had a very quiet black cat in a carrier perched on her plump knee. Another tiny woman with darting eyes and an easy smile had a Dachshund chiwawa cross dog waiting to get a blood test. Also gracing the waiting room was a large Mexican family with a 10 month old bull dog in a pink fur lined vest.
There was myself and Hubby with our poodle in his red racing jacket and following us in to X- Ray his giant boxer a tallish man and his son. An elderly gentleman straggled in with his chiwawa straining against the leash. We were a motley crew. All ages, colors, temperaments and lifestyles mixed and filtered in together for one reason. We all worshiped our pets.
Goblin the cat was in to check her stitches. She had been mauled by a dog. The big boxer had a bone fragment that they were having trouble finding a way to remove. I saw the Boxer's owner, a grown man, tear up at the news. The bulldog puppy in pink was whimpering with such heartbreak that all other dogs in the waiting room would whimper back in distress and sympathy.
Even my poodle was shaking with nerves at this whole sad party of pets and their minions.
The black cat was 18 years old. Another woman with a cat mentioned that she had been adopted by the cat. Isn't that how it is. We are chosen by our animal companions. Sure, we think that we are choosing them to live in our world, but the reality is that we are the ones who live in their world.
I was informed by the Vet that my 8 year old poodle would have live on a diet of Hydrolyzed protein the rest of his fuzzy life. Probably have to dose him with Benadryl forever too. My husband and I have pretty much sacrificed every weekend off to take that poodle to the Vet for a couple of months now.
We are just like every teary eyed pet owner in the waiting room. Our world stopped when the pet got sick. I attribute it to humanity having the infinite capacity to love. We have so much love that it spills over and encompasses animals and plants too. It is the need that we have, the emotional make up we have encoded in our souls that says," I choose you to be in my family. I will love you."
There was myself and Hubby with our poodle in his red racing jacket and following us in to X- Ray his giant boxer a tallish man and his son. An elderly gentleman straggled in with his chiwawa straining against the leash. We were a motley crew. All ages, colors, temperaments and lifestyles mixed and filtered in together for one reason. We all worshiped our pets.
Goblin the cat was in to check her stitches. She had been mauled by a dog. The big boxer had a bone fragment that they were having trouble finding a way to remove. I saw the Boxer's owner, a grown man, tear up at the news. The bulldog puppy in pink was whimpering with such heartbreak that all other dogs in the waiting room would whimper back in distress and sympathy.
Even my poodle was shaking with nerves at this whole sad party of pets and their minions.
The black cat was 18 years old. Another woman with a cat mentioned that she had been adopted by the cat. Isn't that how it is. We are chosen by our animal companions. Sure, we think that we are choosing them to live in our world, but the reality is that we are the ones who live in their world.
I was informed by the Vet that my 8 year old poodle would have live on a diet of Hydrolyzed protein the rest of his fuzzy life. Probably have to dose him with Benadryl forever too. My husband and I have pretty much sacrificed every weekend off to take that poodle to the Vet for a couple of months now.
We are just like every teary eyed pet owner in the waiting room. Our world stopped when the pet got sick. I attribute it to humanity having the infinite capacity to love. We have so much love that it spills over and encompasses animals and plants too. It is the need that we have, the emotional make up we have encoded in our souls that says," I choose you to be in my family. I will love you."
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Pie Crust Fail
In my quest to fulfill all my junk food needs by making it all myself, I bake apple pie. I love an apple pie. I like the smell of warm buttery apples baking. I adore that spoogie syrup that forms as the brown sugar, apple juice and spices meld together. I especially love the under crust that has soaked up the pie syrup and become its own entity.
Damn it, I'm drooling now just thinking about it! The problem is that I haven't perfected the ingredients yet and my crust making technique is pathetic. I don't own a food processor. I use a pastry blender by hand (pastry cutter?) It looks like a handle with curved wires looping across. If you held it sideways it would make the letter D. Real bakers know what I'm babbling about.
Anyhoo, I just don't have the knack yet. My learning curve for pie crust is weak. I did a decent job on the filling. Go ahead and picture me gutting the pie slice and leaving the wooden crust empty. It was a little bland though.
I knew instinctively that there should have been more sugar. I knew it and didn't follow my gut. Bland pie. Husband isn't a fan of the apple pie persuasion. He is a chocolate ice cream kind of guy. He eats the pie if nothing else jumps at him in the kitchen. He never complains or criticizes. He is genius that way. He only agrees with me if I say it first.
" I prefer it a little sweeter." I mentioned.
" Yeah, I like that syrupy stuff to kind of slide out." He admits.
For a moment I consider pouring maple syrup on the pie. I stop myself and accept that this pie is sub par. Somewhere there is an Amish Tween who can out bake and out crust me in her sleep. ( Probably because she has more experience and the genetics that comes from generations of expert pie baking genes.) I didn't get that gene.
I got the craving for pie but not the crust making ability. (Yet.) Store bought pie still kicks my pie's butt.
Damn it, I'm drooling now just thinking about it! The problem is that I haven't perfected the ingredients yet and my crust making technique is pathetic. I don't own a food processor. I use a pastry blender by hand (pastry cutter?) It looks like a handle with curved wires looping across. If you held it sideways it would make the letter D. Real bakers know what I'm babbling about.
Anyhoo, I just don't have the knack yet. My learning curve for pie crust is weak. I did a decent job on the filling. Go ahead and picture me gutting the pie slice and leaving the wooden crust empty. It was a little bland though.
I knew instinctively that there should have been more sugar. I knew it and didn't follow my gut. Bland pie. Husband isn't a fan of the apple pie persuasion. He is a chocolate ice cream kind of guy. He eats the pie if nothing else jumps at him in the kitchen. He never complains or criticizes. He is genius that way. He only agrees with me if I say it first.
" I prefer it a little sweeter." I mentioned.
" Yeah, I like that syrupy stuff to kind of slide out." He admits.
For a moment I consider pouring maple syrup on the pie. I stop myself and accept that this pie is sub par. Somewhere there is an Amish Tween who can out bake and out crust me in her sleep. ( Probably because she has more experience and the genetics that comes from generations of expert pie baking genes.) I didn't get that gene.
I got the craving for pie but not the crust making ability. (Yet.) Store bought pie still kicks my pie's butt.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Having an Android Phone doesn't make me cooler
It made me feel trendy and current for about 15 seconds. That feeling evaporated when the salesman had to show me how to answer it. I kept stabbing at it with my finger; poking pathetically at the shiny screen. I think he thought that I was pretending to be technically retarded as a joke.
"Just swipe it,Swipe It! He insisted.
So naturally I took the phone and swooshed it back and forth in the air in a swiping motion. He leaned over and swiped his finger across the green call bar and the call was answered. ( I swore I could hear the theme song from 2001 A Space Odyssey playing in my head.)
I may not be a cool nerd but I like looking like one. I have a really nifty ring tone for when I get texts. It sounds like Conga drums. The only thing is that I hear these drums when I'm shopping and I look around like " What the hell is that?"
I think my ring tone for the phone is too pretty. It sounds like enchanted fairy music. Sometimes I hear enchanted fairy music and I just stare off into space wondering where the pretty music is coming from...It is coming from the special pouch I sewed for my awesomely new phone. I sewed a pouch to wear around my neck so I could hear it and I could wear the phone while I ride my bike.
The phone is so sleek and cool it won't stay in my pocket. So I sewed a special custom geek pouch for my ultra nerdy phone that I ignore when it does a cool ring tone. My hubby is a pragmatic man. His ring tone sounds like a good ole' fashioned telephone ring. I know I could change the ring so I could notice it, but that would mean I have to train myself to answer a new ring tone. Too much change!
So if you see an aging MILF wandering around Walmart staring into space as her fairy music ring tone is blaring around her neck, in that snazzy purple homemade pouch, tap her kindly on the shoulder and let her know that her phone is ringing. I'll appreciate it.
"Just swipe it,Swipe It! He insisted.
So naturally I took the phone and swooshed it back and forth in the air in a swiping motion. He leaned over and swiped his finger across the green call bar and the call was answered. ( I swore I could hear the theme song from 2001 A Space Odyssey playing in my head.)
I may not be a cool nerd but I like looking like one. I have a really nifty ring tone for when I get texts. It sounds like Conga drums. The only thing is that I hear these drums when I'm shopping and I look around like " What the hell is that?"
I think my ring tone for the phone is too pretty. It sounds like enchanted fairy music. Sometimes I hear enchanted fairy music and I just stare off into space wondering where the pretty music is coming from...It is coming from the special pouch I sewed for my awesomely new phone. I sewed a pouch to wear around my neck so I could hear it and I could wear the phone while I ride my bike.
The phone is so sleek and cool it won't stay in my pocket. So I sewed a special custom geek pouch for my ultra nerdy phone that I ignore when it does a cool ring tone. My hubby is a pragmatic man. His ring tone sounds like a good ole' fashioned telephone ring. I know I could change the ring so I could notice it, but that would mean I have to train myself to answer a new ring tone. Too much change!
So if you see an aging MILF wandering around Walmart staring into space as her fairy music ring tone is blaring around her neck, in that snazzy purple homemade pouch, tap her kindly on the shoulder and let her know that her phone is ringing. I'll appreciate it.
Fun with Conspiracy Theories!
I just read a brilliantly written article called 10 Popular Conspiracy Theories by Vicki Santillano. There is something about conspiracy theories that make me want to turn them into my ball of yarn. I can't help it. Those who spout theories as if they were law drive me bonkers. I will now make fun of the top 10 Conspiracy Theories.
1. Lee Harvey Oswald was a just a fall guy for a shadow group that wanted to assassinate JFK for their own agenda. Lee Harvey Oswald was an alien from outer space! Oswald, Roswell...coincidence?! Everybody knows that all shadow groups are the Illuminati.
2. Princess Diana was assassinated by the British Royal Family, or her death was faked to escape the glaring limelight of public life. Clearly the British Royal Family runs the Illuminati and they were jealous of her popularity. She might have been a Reptilian plant used by the hostile Reptilians to mind control humanity, or was it that the Illuminati are really Reptilians trying to destroy the fabric of mankind. I forget which.
3. AIDS is a disease created as a biological weapon by the government to exterminate gays and black people. Worse yet the government has the cure but is withholding it. All government is run by the Illuminati, (poorly) and they have been developing a retro virus that will transmute humans into Reptilians. AIDS is just a test strain. It will be more effective when global warming really kicks in.
4. 9/11 was orchestrated by Bush to gain more power. 9/11 is really a smoke screen for the world's worst alien attack from space. Humanity just can't handle the horrible truth.
5. Elvis is still alive. I watched Men in Black and they said Elvis didn't die he just went home. TV doesn't lie.
6. The 1969 Apollo moon landing was faked to embarrass the soviet Union. This is simply not true only women are good a faking things for the sake of a man's pride, ( like an orgasm. Oh, oh, You Da Man!) whatever.
7. A UFO crashed in Roswell New Mexico. Absolutely nothing ever happens in Roswell. Whoever the genius marketing person was to start that rumour they deserve a prize. Without the tourism from UFO buffs to that one horse town, Roswell would be just another deserted hick town with nothing but tumble weeds.
8. Global Warming is a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore to get revenge for not winning the presidency. This one is actually true.
9. William Shakespeare was a pen name and other people wrote those famous plays. Will Shakespeare is a Reptilian member of the Illuminati and all his plays are a form of mind control. "To be or not to be, a human skin sack..."
10. Reptilian humanoids are infiltrating society in order to dominate us. I don't know if this is true or not. I do know that humans are impossible to control. ( Try telling your teenager to clean his room up.) The very nature of the indomitable human spirit is comfort enough for me.
1. Lee Harvey Oswald was a just a fall guy for a shadow group that wanted to assassinate JFK for their own agenda. Lee Harvey Oswald was an alien from outer space! Oswald, Roswell...coincidence?! Everybody knows that all shadow groups are the Illuminati.
2. Princess Diana was assassinated by the British Royal Family, or her death was faked to escape the glaring limelight of public life. Clearly the British Royal Family runs the Illuminati and they were jealous of her popularity. She might have been a Reptilian plant used by the hostile Reptilians to mind control humanity, or was it that the Illuminati are really Reptilians trying to destroy the fabric of mankind. I forget which.
3. AIDS is a disease created as a biological weapon by the government to exterminate gays and black people. Worse yet the government has the cure but is withholding it. All government is run by the Illuminati, (poorly) and they have been developing a retro virus that will transmute humans into Reptilians. AIDS is just a test strain. It will be more effective when global warming really kicks in.
4. 9/11 was orchestrated by Bush to gain more power. 9/11 is really a smoke screen for the world's worst alien attack from space. Humanity just can't handle the horrible truth.
5. Elvis is still alive. I watched Men in Black and they said Elvis didn't die he just went home. TV doesn't lie.
6. The 1969 Apollo moon landing was faked to embarrass the soviet Union. This is simply not true only women are good a faking things for the sake of a man's pride, ( like an orgasm. Oh, oh, You Da Man!) whatever.
7. A UFO crashed in Roswell New Mexico. Absolutely nothing ever happens in Roswell. Whoever the genius marketing person was to start that rumour they deserve a prize. Without the tourism from UFO buffs to that one horse town, Roswell would be just another deserted hick town with nothing but tumble weeds.
8. Global Warming is a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore to get revenge for not winning the presidency. This one is actually true.
9. William Shakespeare was a pen name and other people wrote those famous plays. Will Shakespeare is a Reptilian member of the Illuminati and all his plays are a form of mind control. "To be or not to be, a human skin sack..."
10. Reptilian humanoids are infiltrating society in order to dominate us. I don't know if this is true or not. I do know that humans are impossible to control. ( Try telling your teenager to clean his room up.) The very nature of the indomitable human spirit is comfort enough for me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
It isn't junk food if you make it from scratch
I like pizza very much. French fries sometimes haunt my dreams. My compromise with the fact that most would consider these items to be junk food is that I make them myself. At least I can control the ingredients like using organic unbleached flour for the crust and low salt cheese and loads of veggies on the pizza.
Before you start to feel defensive, just know that I do buy and eat junk food. I'm not a militant foodie or anything. When you really want to eat comfort food as often as I do you try and soften the blow by making it.
I make fries using olive oil. That probably doesn't really make much of a difference but it makes me feel better. It eases the guilt. Trust me I have great food guilt to draw on. For instance, I eat real butter. To feel less guilty about it I buy unsalted butter. Recently I saw on TV that margarine is bad for you. I laughed my ass off. That happens a lot. Not the laughing part but hearing that something that was supposed to be fabulous for you turns out to be absolute crap.
Remember when eggs were decreed to be evil? Apparently they are good for you. Hah. I knew it. My favorite is the new information about how great cheese is for calcium and bone health. Those damn health Nazis have been trying to keep us all away from lovely cheese for decades!
My latest project is to make my own apple pie from scratch. Peeling apples is really tedious. By the time I am done with crafting a decent crust, peeling and seasoning apples and finally crouching in front of the oven viewing window like some weirdo pie stalker, I am exhausted. I guess I eat less because I'm spending more time in my recovery nap mode.
Now, if there was a way to make spray can cheese from scratch...
Before you start to feel defensive, just know that I do buy and eat junk food. I'm not a militant foodie or anything. When you really want to eat comfort food as often as I do you try and soften the blow by making it.
I make fries using olive oil. That probably doesn't really make much of a difference but it makes me feel better. It eases the guilt. Trust me I have great food guilt to draw on. For instance, I eat real butter. To feel less guilty about it I buy unsalted butter. Recently I saw on TV that margarine is bad for you. I laughed my ass off. That happens a lot. Not the laughing part but hearing that something that was supposed to be fabulous for you turns out to be absolute crap.
Remember when eggs were decreed to be evil? Apparently they are good for you. Hah. I knew it. My favorite is the new information about how great cheese is for calcium and bone health. Those damn health Nazis have been trying to keep us all away from lovely cheese for decades!
My latest project is to make my own apple pie from scratch. Peeling apples is really tedious. By the time I am done with crafting a decent crust, peeling and seasoning apples and finally crouching in front of the oven viewing window like some weirdo pie stalker, I am exhausted. I guess I eat less because I'm spending more time in my recovery nap mode.
Now, if there was a way to make spray can cheese from scratch...
Adventures in Remodeling
For those of us that are addicted to home improvement shows the best return on your investment is in remodeling kitchens and bathrooms. I submit that the most popular reasons that people move out is because they hate their kitchens and their bathrooms are a nightmare.
When we bought our home it was old. It wasn't vintage or quaint, just old. There were poorly disguised holes in the walls where once there had been intercoms. ( High tech back in the 70's.) The plumbing was iffy and it got replaced. There had been updates done cosmetically in the 80's. All of which I removed and re painted.
This is the year, after so many years of little fixes, that the bathrooms get a face lift! * Does a domestic goddess happy dance up and down the hallway!* I'm not a total bum. I did scrape the linoleum flooring and put in new sticky lino tiles, as well as install some new toilets. We aren't animals. I know how to use a caulking gun.
This is the year we gut the old leaky pipes,install ceramic tile instead of linoleum and replace the cabinets and mirrors that have been showing every inch of their 38 years of heavy use. Under mount sinks with granite counter tops Baby!
I am so ready for this. I have used Lime Away to dissolve the perennial rust stains. I have blended porcelain paint to disguise the corroding drain holes. I even painted the battle scarred laminate counter tops with epoxy paint in an effort to fight the ravages of time. I want that new bathroom experience. I want it like some women want a European vacation or a passionate romance. ( For the record I want those too but I want a new bathroom so much more.)
I have a spiritual theory why bathrooms are so important to a home buyer or home owner. The bathroom is your altar, your self shrine. It is the place where you are cleansed from the sins of your life and transformed clean and shiny to a better version of you. That just doesn't happen if you have crappy lighting, leaky pipes and a decaying vanity mirror.
I have to go now as the contractor is here to measure the bathroom dimentions...
When we bought our home it was old. It wasn't vintage or quaint, just old. There were poorly disguised holes in the walls where once there had been intercoms. ( High tech back in the 70's.) The plumbing was iffy and it got replaced. There had been updates done cosmetically in the 80's. All of which I removed and re painted.
This is the year, after so many years of little fixes, that the bathrooms get a face lift! * Does a domestic goddess happy dance up and down the hallway!* I'm not a total bum. I did scrape the linoleum flooring and put in new sticky lino tiles, as well as install some new toilets. We aren't animals. I know how to use a caulking gun.
This is the year we gut the old leaky pipes,install ceramic tile instead of linoleum and replace the cabinets and mirrors that have been showing every inch of their 38 years of heavy use. Under mount sinks with granite counter tops Baby!
I am so ready for this. I have used Lime Away to dissolve the perennial rust stains. I have blended porcelain paint to disguise the corroding drain holes. I even painted the battle scarred laminate counter tops with epoxy paint in an effort to fight the ravages of time. I want that new bathroom experience. I want it like some women want a European vacation or a passionate romance. ( For the record I want those too but I want a new bathroom so much more.)
I have a spiritual theory why bathrooms are so important to a home buyer or home owner. The bathroom is your altar, your self shrine. It is the place where you are cleansed from the sins of your life and transformed clean and shiny to a better version of you. That just doesn't happen if you have crappy lighting, leaky pipes and a decaying vanity mirror.
I have to go now as the contractor is here to measure the bathroom dimentions...
Stuff I like for Winter
Oprah has her favorite things and I'd like to get in on the act. There are a few things in my life at this time of year that I adore. Some items are must haves and some are just nice to have but all are cherished.
Last night Hubby remarked that he knew it was Winter because his cuticles were painfully cracked. Stuff I like for that is Burt's Bees hand Salve. I had some tucked away in my manicure tackle box and gave it to him. ( Honey if you are reading this don't forget to slather some on. *kiss*)
Cold weather and dry arctic winds gives a body lizard lips. It isn't pretty. Stuff I love for purity and effectiveness is Lip Smacker 100% natural Vanilla Bean Lip Balm. ( Cue angelic singing.) It is a blend of olive oil, beeswax, fruit essence, aloe and vitamin E. I wish the tube lasted longer.
Normally I don't advocate killing but sometimes you just have to. My next thing that makes Winter bearable is my defence against germs! I must kill them, kill them all!You think you don't care about germs until a snotty little kid openly sprays you with a sneeze filled with active virus. So gross. Most awesome hand sanitizer ever is Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer Sheer Moisture, ultralight formula. It has a slight citrus scent and leaves your hands soft and virus free. The best part is it kills 99.99% of germs. I guess the .01% is left alive as a warning to the others or something.
I cannot face the cold season without fuzzy socks. I start shopping for fuzzy socks as soon as the leaves start to turn. My favorite pair are fuzzy socks that have ferret faces embroidered on them and little rubberized nubs on the soles so I don't slip. These are genius. They look stupid but they feel so right. Sometimes I wear them under normal socks and double up.
I like this stuff too-
Hot cocoa
Electric blanket
Lasko space heater shaped like a chiminea
Dog pajamas for the poodle
Hot apple cider
Christmas lights, pretty
I have my fuzzy ferret socks on right now and my hands smell faintly of citrus. After I slide on another coat of Vanilla bean Lip Smacker I'll be ready to face the day.
Last night Hubby remarked that he knew it was Winter because his cuticles were painfully cracked. Stuff I like for that is Burt's Bees hand Salve. I had some tucked away in my manicure tackle box and gave it to him. ( Honey if you are reading this don't forget to slather some on. *kiss*)
Cold weather and dry arctic winds gives a body lizard lips. It isn't pretty. Stuff I love for purity and effectiveness is Lip Smacker 100% natural Vanilla Bean Lip Balm. ( Cue angelic singing.) It is a blend of olive oil, beeswax, fruit essence, aloe and vitamin E. I wish the tube lasted longer.
Normally I don't advocate killing but sometimes you just have to. My next thing that makes Winter bearable is my defence against germs! I must kill them, kill them all!You think you don't care about germs until a snotty little kid openly sprays you with a sneeze filled with active virus. So gross. Most awesome hand sanitizer ever is Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer Sheer Moisture, ultralight formula. It has a slight citrus scent and leaves your hands soft and virus free. The best part is it kills 99.99% of germs. I guess the .01% is left alive as a warning to the others or something.
I cannot face the cold season without fuzzy socks. I start shopping for fuzzy socks as soon as the leaves start to turn. My favorite pair are fuzzy socks that have ferret faces embroidered on them and little rubberized nubs on the soles so I don't slip. These are genius. They look stupid but they feel so right. Sometimes I wear them under normal socks and double up.
I like this stuff too-
Hot cocoa
Electric blanket
Lasko space heater shaped like a chiminea
Dog pajamas for the poodle
Hot apple cider
Christmas lights, pretty
I have my fuzzy ferret socks on right now and my hands smell faintly of citrus. After I slide on another coat of Vanilla bean Lip Smacker I'll be ready to face the day.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
UFOs are overrated
Waiting for aliens from outer space to come and contact the human race has been a real disappointment for me. A couple of years ago a woman who claimed to have a channeled message from our space brothers said they would arrive on a certain date and over a certain area in their mother ships. She had a huge following. She sold a lot of books too. I secretly wanted her to be right.
I will admit that I was first in line to make fun of her when the aliens were a no show ( Not to her face, just online among my Internet buddies.) I felt sad for her too. It had to be worse than being left at the altar. Her alien space brothers lied to her and didn't show up. That sucks. She made a day after video and looked absolutely devastated.
I just don't believe the hype anymore and that is sad. The magic is gone. I watch UFO documentaries and snort in critical disgust. When I was a kid I was enchanted by the pictures of the Nazca Lines. I thought crop circles were interplanetary love notes from aliens. Not anymore.
Nobody discusses the idea that the Nazca lines might be just a bunch of local graffiti created by ancient drunken frat boys. Maybe I'm just bitter. How come all the UFO footage sucks so bad? Why do videos of alien craft look like the camera man had palsy? Anal probes, really, you can fly across space and time and all you brought was an anal probe?!
Where are the polite aliens from space? How come they don't show up and bring cookies or a potted plant?
So many of the popular conspiracy theorists rant about how the government is covering it all up. They say that the powers that be are hiding reams of evidence from the public to prevent all out panic. I wish the government was that well organized. have you ever been to the Department of Motor Vehicle.
There's my conspiracy theory right there. The space aliens landed and registered at the DMV, never to be heard from again...
I will admit that I was first in line to make fun of her when the aliens were a no show ( Not to her face, just online among my Internet buddies.) I felt sad for her too. It had to be worse than being left at the altar. Her alien space brothers lied to her and didn't show up. That sucks. She made a day after video and looked absolutely devastated.
I just don't believe the hype anymore and that is sad. The magic is gone. I watch UFO documentaries and snort in critical disgust. When I was a kid I was enchanted by the pictures of the Nazca Lines. I thought crop circles were interplanetary love notes from aliens. Not anymore.
Nobody discusses the idea that the Nazca lines might be just a bunch of local graffiti created by ancient drunken frat boys. Maybe I'm just bitter. How come all the UFO footage sucks so bad? Why do videos of alien craft look like the camera man had palsy? Anal probes, really, you can fly across space and time and all you brought was an anal probe?!
Where are the polite aliens from space? How come they don't show up and bring cookies or a potted plant?
So many of the popular conspiracy theorists rant about how the government is covering it all up. They say that the powers that be are hiding reams of evidence from the public to prevent all out panic. I wish the government was that well organized. have you ever been to the Department of Motor Vehicle.
There's my conspiracy theory right there. The space aliens landed and registered at the DMV, never to be heard from again...
Masturbation is underrated
For those of you who are squeamish about sexuality or prudish in any way, stop reading right now. This post is not for you, not today. For those of you who read the title and clapped your hands in delight, read on!
There are some things in life that only you can do the best. Like loading the dishwasher. Nobody can load the dishwasher in just the right pattern and sequence to maximize the cleaning efficacy. No one and no car wash can possibly get your car as clean as you can. You take the time. You care. It is the same with self pleasure.
If there be anyone among you has found some one to tickle your fancy better than your own self I want you to know I am profoundly jealous. ( If you brag about that in the comments I might learn to hate you, you lucky bastard.)
Back to the point at hand. ( Yeah I said it!) Masturbation is awesome. Why did they not sing it's praises in Health Education classes back in high school. I'm certain several unwanted pregnancies and frustrated teen fights could have been avoided in the general population if such a class had been taught. Seriously, have you ever wanted to have a fight after an orgasm?
Masturbation is totally free! The one joy in life that costs absolutely nothing. You don't even need to buy any special uniform or membership. The government doesn't tax it. It can't be stolen. It is portable and has no expiration date.
The natural happy chemicals that are released when you self pleasure are terrific for maintaining great health and happiness. They should really encourage every age group to celebrate self love. Not that you have to encourage toddlers they already know. It is true you have to kind of curb their enthusiasm for touching their privates in public, but instinctively they know how to have a good time.
It is kind of sad that physical pleasure somehow became a sin. I feel bad for you if you have mental programing that gives you guilt for making yourself feel good. I will never have to worry about that. I love it. My last dying words will not be, " I should have orgasmed more...*croak*"
Here is a list of people I think should play with themselves more-
Hassled Mothers
Politicians
Tech Support ( But not when they are working, ew.)
Conspiracy Theorists
All Religious leaders
Anti Anything Protesters ( In fact they should all masturbate just before they go to a rally to promote clear thinking.)
Walmart Checkers ( again, not while working.)
Octomom (Well, I guess that would fall under hassled mother.)
Couples who are fighting. ( They should just take a pleasure time out.)
Actually everybody should be on the list. Think of the calories that will be burned off. What an amazing tribute to peace and wellness it would be if we all could have a Jerk-Off Around the World Day. I'd buy that T-Shirt.
I know many will think I am silly and tacky. ( I am.) Let the genius of the idea grow on you. There is no more underrated act of self adoration than what I suggest. In your life there is nothing more centering and powerful than you loving who you are. Touching yourself and enjoying it is a part of that.
There are some things in life that only you can do the best. Like loading the dishwasher. Nobody can load the dishwasher in just the right pattern and sequence to maximize the cleaning efficacy. No one and no car wash can possibly get your car as clean as you can. You take the time. You care. It is the same with self pleasure.
If there be anyone among you has found some one to tickle your fancy better than your own self I want you to know I am profoundly jealous. ( If you brag about that in the comments I might learn to hate you, you lucky bastard.)
Back to the point at hand. ( Yeah I said it!) Masturbation is awesome. Why did they not sing it's praises in Health Education classes back in high school. I'm certain several unwanted pregnancies and frustrated teen fights could have been avoided in the general population if such a class had been taught. Seriously, have you ever wanted to have a fight after an orgasm?
Masturbation is totally free! The one joy in life that costs absolutely nothing. You don't even need to buy any special uniform or membership. The government doesn't tax it. It can't be stolen. It is portable and has no expiration date.
The natural happy chemicals that are released when you self pleasure are terrific for maintaining great health and happiness. They should really encourage every age group to celebrate self love. Not that you have to encourage toddlers they already know. It is true you have to kind of curb their enthusiasm for touching their privates in public, but instinctively they know how to have a good time.
It is kind of sad that physical pleasure somehow became a sin. I feel bad for you if you have mental programing that gives you guilt for making yourself feel good. I will never have to worry about that. I love it. My last dying words will not be, " I should have orgasmed more...*croak*"
Here is a list of people I think should play with themselves more-
Hassled Mothers
Politicians
Tech Support ( But not when they are working, ew.)
Conspiracy Theorists
All Religious leaders
Anti Anything Protesters ( In fact they should all masturbate just before they go to a rally to promote clear thinking.)
Walmart Checkers ( again, not while working.)
Octomom (Well, I guess that would fall under hassled mother.)
Couples who are fighting. ( They should just take a pleasure time out.)
Actually everybody should be on the list. Think of the calories that will be burned off. What an amazing tribute to peace and wellness it would be if we all could have a Jerk-Off Around the World Day. I'd buy that T-Shirt.
I know many will think I am silly and tacky. ( I am.) Let the genius of the idea grow on you. There is no more underrated act of self adoration than what I suggest. In your life there is nothing more centering and powerful than you loving who you are. Touching yourself and enjoying it is a part of that.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Pajamas at Walmart
I live in the Midwest. My neighbors are horses and cows. Walmart is the closest thing to Big City as it gets around here. I take that back, there is a Cato clothing store that is kind of a classy place to buy ladies clothing and shoes.
People in my town like to be comfortable. I think most people who work hard and have too little time prioritize comfort pretty high on the list. I do not wear pajamas to Walmart. Not because I find it inappropriate or unfashionable, but because I am very tall and pajamas are always too high over the ankles for me. While most people look cuddly and cute in their fuzzy flannel Jammie pants, they make me look slightly homeless with a borderline mental illness.
I find children piled in a cart, half asleep while a tired Momma shops late at night in their pajamas endearing. I once ran into an elderly man who was drunk in his dressing gown holding a jar of green olives late one night. He wanted to dance with me. It was 2AM and seemed appropriate at the time.
For years I tried to resist the urge to wear lounge wear. I thought that I had some unspoken agreement with society that I would always dress in proper dress attire. It was a little unnerving that nobody else seemed to adhere to the unspoken contract anymore. I am at a crossroads. Succumb to the casual comfort of sweat pants or make the time consuming effort of dressing. Oh, the temptation to stay in my still warm pajamas on a cold day...
My husband is a very tidy and stylish man. He has upheld his end of the agreement with refined society. He is the reason I fight the urge to roll myself up in shapeless sweat shirts and pajama pants to the restaurant. I do this partly because I like him to think I am pretty and partly to mark my territory. I dress to act as a warning to any hunting females sniffing around my attractive husband that he already has a domestic goddess on his altar. No others need apply.
This is not fear dressing. I am merely wearing the uniform that delineates my position. I am fashionably scent marking my territory. I'm not afraid, this is just my job. You expect the guy in chage to wear a suit and his underlings to wear khaki pants and polo shirts. You expect the doctor to wear a lab coat and the patients to wear gowns.It just makes it easier for everybody.
This Winter I saw an entire family stroll into Walmart wearing Snuggies; all of them, Mom, Dad, Grandparents and two little kids. They looked like a cult. I'm not going to lie to you. It was really cold and they probably got caught without the appropriate clothing. These were emergency Snuggies! They had mastered comfort dressing on the fly and I was impressed. Perhaps I should have Tsk, tsked at the choice of garment, but they seemed really, really relaxed and snugly. The worst feeling I could summon about it besides the envy was mild amusement.
Last night I saw a commercial for giant onesies for adults. Big fuzzy, primary colored, zippered jumper affairs that even had a zippered butt trap door for easy access when you need to toilet. After a laugh at how they made everyone look like a Telly Tubbie I found myself thinking about what color I wanted...
People in my town like to be comfortable. I think most people who work hard and have too little time prioritize comfort pretty high on the list. I do not wear pajamas to Walmart. Not because I find it inappropriate or unfashionable, but because I am very tall and pajamas are always too high over the ankles for me. While most people look cuddly and cute in their fuzzy flannel Jammie pants, they make me look slightly homeless with a borderline mental illness.
I find children piled in a cart, half asleep while a tired Momma shops late at night in their pajamas endearing. I once ran into an elderly man who was drunk in his dressing gown holding a jar of green olives late one night. He wanted to dance with me. It was 2AM and seemed appropriate at the time.
For years I tried to resist the urge to wear lounge wear. I thought that I had some unspoken agreement with society that I would always dress in proper dress attire. It was a little unnerving that nobody else seemed to adhere to the unspoken contract anymore. I am at a crossroads. Succumb to the casual comfort of sweat pants or make the time consuming effort of dressing. Oh, the temptation to stay in my still warm pajamas on a cold day...
My husband is a very tidy and stylish man. He has upheld his end of the agreement with refined society. He is the reason I fight the urge to roll myself up in shapeless sweat shirts and pajama pants to the restaurant. I do this partly because I like him to think I am pretty and partly to mark my territory. I dress to act as a warning to any hunting females sniffing around my attractive husband that he already has a domestic goddess on his altar. No others need apply.
This is not fear dressing. I am merely wearing the uniform that delineates my position. I am fashionably scent marking my territory. I'm not afraid, this is just my job. You expect the guy in chage to wear a suit and his underlings to wear khaki pants and polo shirts. You expect the doctor to wear a lab coat and the patients to wear gowns.It just makes it easier for everybody.
This Winter I saw an entire family stroll into Walmart wearing Snuggies; all of them, Mom, Dad, Grandparents and two little kids. They looked like a cult. I'm not going to lie to you. It was really cold and they probably got caught without the appropriate clothing. These were emergency Snuggies! They had mastered comfort dressing on the fly and I was impressed. Perhaps I should have Tsk, tsked at the choice of garment, but they seemed really, really relaxed and snugly. The worst feeling I could summon about it besides the envy was mild amusement.
Last night I saw a commercial for giant onesies for adults. Big fuzzy, primary colored, zippered jumper affairs that even had a zippered butt trap door for easy access when you need to toilet. After a laugh at how they made everyone look like a Telly Tubbie I found myself thinking about what color I wanted...
The Maiden Post- Losing my blog virginity
Not since I opened a My space account for the first time with trembling hands and an excitement akin to a first date have I felt so vulnerable and thrilled. OK, not thrilled but a little nervous. That first blog you put out there is like your first impression.
Will they like me?
Will I seem cool and relevant? (Have I ever been cool and relevant?)
There is a lot of self induced pressure for a first blog post. Barring any massive Internet hack and deletion, the Internet blog is forever. It becomes the record of your electronic life that is out there and chiseled in Internet stone. This used to worry me a little.
Then one day as I was posting on a favorite website I googled some facts that I needed on an subject and I got me! I mean, I googled up a quote I had written about two years previous. I found this hilarious. My only real fact to back up what I was writing about was...me.
While my ideals, goals and attitude have changed I did still find my own writing entertaining. I suspect I'll continue to change and evolve, even contradict myself until the day they put the toe tag on me. As long as I am funny and entertaining to myself I feel it is a worthy goal to document it.
I'm a rambler. I write like I think, much like a moth hopped up on espresso. Although I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, I feel a certain sympathy for the condition. I loath blogs that are mean. I don't want to be that blogger. I like funny, to the point and even a little painless information. When I'm feeling saucy I like to throw in a little gut wrenching stuff just to give a heartbreak sorbet in the middle of more funny scribbling.
So, there you have it. Thank you for being a part of my blogging deflowering.
Will they like me?
Will I seem cool and relevant? (Have I ever been cool and relevant?)
There is a lot of self induced pressure for a first blog post. Barring any massive Internet hack and deletion, the Internet blog is forever. It becomes the record of your electronic life that is out there and chiseled in Internet stone. This used to worry me a little.
Then one day as I was posting on a favorite website I googled some facts that I needed on an subject and I got me! I mean, I googled up a quote I had written about two years previous. I found this hilarious. My only real fact to back up what I was writing about was...me.
While my ideals, goals and attitude have changed I did still find my own writing entertaining. I suspect I'll continue to change and evolve, even contradict myself until the day they put the toe tag on me. As long as I am funny and entertaining to myself I feel it is a worthy goal to document it.
I'm a rambler. I write like I think, much like a moth hopped up on espresso. Although I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, I feel a certain sympathy for the condition. I loath blogs that are mean. I don't want to be that blogger. I like funny, to the point and even a little painless information. When I'm feeling saucy I like to throw in a little gut wrenching stuff just to give a heartbreak sorbet in the middle of more funny scribbling.
So, there you have it. Thank you for being a part of my blogging deflowering.
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